The Last Unsent Letter

Today I woke up again around the same time I would wake up since I got back here in the Philippines. The first few days I would text you and we would keep talking. But today it’s different. I woke up and then tears start streaming down my face. It started to sink in again that there’s no you anymore.

There are no words to describe the pain of a first heartbreak. The day you chose to let me go was the most painful memory of you. And yet even if that’s the case, I know that our love story was perfect. It started so beautifully. I even felt I was in cloud nine.

I wasn’t really looking for anyone then. I was happy and fine on my own. But every now and then I would pray to the Lord that if He will give me a man, I hope he is someone who will love me for who I am and that will be loved by my family. Then, you came in the picture. I was super guarded. I even built walls around me because I was afraid to get hurt. I knew I was going home and that made me more scared. But I kept praying that if you’re really the one for me, you will be persistent in pursuing me. And you were. You kept asking me out. At first, I would even turn you down. But talking to you, I realized you were a nice a guy so I gave you a shot.  I’ve been honest with you right from the start. I never had a boyfriend, nor had the experience going out on dates. You said you were thankful of my honesty. I was surprised; I thought that would turn you off.  I was awkward during our first date and in my mind, I believed that was the last time I’d see you. But you asked me out again and I agreed because you were nice like you said you were.

All our dates were perfect and ideal. We would go see watch the stars, we would drive up the mountain and look over the city. You would take me to concert and trips. Every day that would go by, I would find myself helplessly falling in love with you. You were the perfect guy babe. And yet I knew that you were too good to be true and I told you that. There were no flowers and chocolates but the time and effort you would shower me were enough for me to be head over heels for you. You opening the car door for me, writing me letters, bringing my things, accompanying me, visiting me everyday were qualities I love the most from you. I knew that you have been brought up well.

One night I told you that I don’t want to love you any more than what I was feeling at that time because I don’t want you to consume me. Your reply to me was you wanted all my love. And I gave it to you. I may not be very showy in front of other people but I tried to make you feel it in ways I know of. I was very very happy that we were getting along so well. Every day I would wake up and you would greet me and make me smile. I would always tell you that you make my day brighter and you never fail at it. I thought it wouldn’t end. I thought the happiness wouldn’t die.

September came, and that was the month I feared the most. There’s this unsettling feeling because I know I had to leave you eventually. But we agreed to keep loving each other. We agreed that we will make it through the distance— that the best is yet to come; that this will only be temporary; that we shall be fine. I believed everything you said. You promised me so many things. I was holding on to your words. You kept saying you love me and how much you miss me but what happened to waiting?

You said you are not an impatient guy—that you are not like the rest of them but why did you give up so fast? It’s just barely a month since we last saw each other and you’re giving up already? On our first date I told you clearly that I was just leaving. My visa only permits me to stay for a year. And yet even when you know this, you still wanted to keep going out with me. You told me: “how can distance stop someone from liking or loving someone?” I thought you will be true to your words. But look at us now.

You told me that as long as I want to be your queen, you’ll always be my king. Where is my king now? I lost you because you chose to let me go. We were supposed to go see more of the world. We were supposed to travel together when I come back. It was our relationship goal. New York first, right? I even asked the Lord that I be able to come visit again with you when I was in St. Patrick’s Cathedral. Now everything is just a dream that once we both hoped for.

Why did you break my heart when I told you before that I am so afraid that if I give you the chance you will hurt me? Am I not worth it? Because if I am, distance won’t matter to you. Maybe you just don’t love me enough because you’re already thinking that we will lose the connection when it hasn’t even happened yet. How can you say that you will love me for as long as you live if you are letting me go like this. You told me you still love me but it’s better to end it now while it’s still early because it will be more painful in the future. But you’re wrong. Now is the most painful time to do it because we are still so in love. Or is it just me only? The hurt that I’m feeling, the pain that you have given me right now only show how little you value the relationship we used to have.

There were so many promises left unfulfilled my love. I have begged you and asked you to give our love a chance. But you wouldn’t want to. You don’t want to stay with me. And it hurts like hell to know that. How can you bring me so much joy before and now be the reason of this pain I’m feeling? And yet, there’s no anger. I am not mad at you. I just hope I am so the moving on will be faster but I am not.

I used to have so much hope babe for our love to conquer this bump in the road, for it to flourish, for it to withstand the test of time. I did not give up on us, it was you who did. I have loved and lost a great guy. I have cried buckets of tears. I lost you but you lost me too. I hope the time will come that you will think of me and realize you were damn stupid and so wrong to let me go.

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Is it almost time to say goodbye?

J1s

Is it almost time to say goodbye? To this place that I have come to love? To the people that have made a difference in my life? Is it really time to bid you farewell?

I always hate this part.  I am never good at goodbyes.

Time really is fleeting. It just seemed like yesterday when we first got here. I never knew leaving would be this soon. I would terribly miss my daily routine, the kind of lifestyle I have, even the bipolar weather and the vitriolic heat. There’s too much to miss. And my heart has been feeling very unsettled. I dont want to leave. I just wanna live as is.

If i could just stay, I will. I am not ready to leave just yet. My mind is ready to move on to the next chapter of my life– to get a job and to save for the future but my heart says otherwise. I will be gone but I will certainly be back. I look forward to the day I set foot again in Tucson.

To my friends, to my co-workers, to the love of my life, I will surely and dearly miss all of you.

I shall see you soon.