To the Next Man That Will Have My Heart

This morning my best friend from high school shared with me an entry she wrote for her blog. While browsing through other entries, I stumbled upon one that’s dedicated to her future boyfriend. After reading it, I was inspired to do the same. So here goes my letter to the man of my dreams, my future boyfriend, and the one I’m hoping to spend a lifetime with:

 

Dear Future Lover,

I promise that I will give you my full trust, honesty, and loyalty. I will not hide anything from you or lie to you. Instead, I will be very open. You will have my complete respect and in return, I hope to have yours too. I wish that you’ll always be wary of my presence and you’ll never make me feel that you are ashamed of me. 

I will try my best to make you feel my love. I wouldn’t say yes to be your girlfriend if I am unsure of you so never doubt my feelings. I may not like public display of affection but I will like it if you will randomly hold my hand, give me a hug or look me in the eyes with a loving smile. 

Please don’t make me promises you can’t keep. I’d rather you surprise me with what you have in mind than let me believe that you will all make them come true and yet the simplest of all – of not hurting me you couldn’t keep. I hope that you’ll just stay realistic.

I am nowhere near perfect for a girlfriend. Like any individual, I have a lot of flaws. Some you might find endearing and some even annoying.  When I’m too happy, I like to dance and act crazy. I laugh out loud and I have the tendency to be very noisy but I get too quiet also when I’m thinking. And I do that a lot. I like wondering about the future thus I may ask you every now and then of your dreams for I wanna include you in mine.

I am into details. I notice the littlest of things and mistakes. It’s not to make you feel bad but because I know you are someone that can do so much more. I may point them out but only for you to outdo yourself.

In terms of your life goals, I promise I will be your cheerleader and number one fan.  I will be there every step of the way. I will be proud of your achievements no matter how big or small. You can always lean on me. I want us to be true friends who can openly share our woes to each other. I will listen to you and I will try to cheer you up if you’re feeling down. I will give you massages if your shoulder aches and I will make sure that every day I greet you in the most loving way I know. And even if you’re a pet lover, I will love you just the same. I will adjust. I am often scared of dogs but if you have one, I will try my best to be friends with it.

For a woman, I don’t think I am very hard to please. I like simple dates. I don’t mind eating anywhere you like.So long as it’s with you, my stomach will feel full. If there are times I insist on where I want to eat, that’s because I like you to eat there with me. I want to share that moment with you.  I don’t really care if you don’t buy me flowers or chocolates. I am not into those anyway. What I like are personally made gifts. If you write me letters, that will be the best. No need for fancy stuff. I can buy that for myself.

I like going for a drive and stargazing. I don’t really like movie dates. I find it boring and time-consuming. I can watch the movie alone. I will just love to spend time and talk with you wherever whenever possible. There are days though when you might find me too sensitive. When this happens, just learn to bear with it because that won’t last long. And if by chance I get mad at you, allow me to keep my peace. I would not want to say anything that could hurt you. I just want some time to dissipate my anger.

I am also a travel enthusiast. I like going to places I haven’t seen and explored. How about uou hop on a plane with me and let’s see if you’ll fit to be my travel buddy. Don’t get me wrong, though I love travelling, an adventure involving heights is too much for me. But then if you’ll help me overcome my fear, I’ll go on the top of the world with you just be patient with me. If you wanna go to the beach to swim, even though I am not a fan because I am afraid of deep waters, I will for you.

I will try to be the best girlfriend for you and I will dote on you but please just don’t give up on me so easily when I am at my lows and very much unlovable. I will be very understanding of your temper and moods so please do the same for me. I hope you’ll still choose me when the circumstances are very much inconvenient and the world seems like it’s tearing us apart.

But then again if the inevitable comes, and we find ourselves losing each other, let’s try to fix us. At least try for me. Give us a chance. We both deserve that much. But if all else fails, have the decency to break up with me in person not just through a text message. And if that’s not possible, be man enough and have the balls to call me.

You see my heart had been badly broken once and I am hoping that you’ll spare me from that kind of tragedy again. I sincerely wish that you are going to be my last boyfriend and will be the man I will spend the rest of my life with. I promise you that I will love you wholeheartedly like I have never been hurt before. I don’t want the moon and the stars. All I want is your genuine love and affection devoid of any deceit and lies.

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Magic & Mishaps

A Story of Love, Heartbreak and of Finding Yourself Again

Magic. I think there’s no other better way to describe love. It has this ability to draw an individual to another so effortlessly. It keeps you awake in the night and puts a smile on your face. Oh well, at least that is how I see it now. I used to think differently when I was just watching from the sidelines.  But experience does change a person’s beliefs. Falling in love totally changed my preconceived notions and it did leave a lasting memory.

My first love took me by surprise.  It was the kind of love I thought I was prepared for but I was wrong. No one can predict the outcome, or when it’ll come to you, or how it will unfold. It will just happen and catch you off guard. I’ve waited patiently for the right person to come along. I felt the magic – the sparks flying. I knew my heart fluttered with every sight of him and needless to say, I was swept off my feet.

It wasn’t love at first sight. I couldn’t even remember the first movie we’ve watched together. But somehow, he had that charisma that made me want to see him again and remember his face. When he finally asked me to be his girlfriend, I did tell him honestly of how I felt. I was confused, unsure if it’s just attraction, bordering Infatuation or love already. Eventually, I’ve sorted out my feelings. I’ve realized I must really love him because he occupied so much space in my head – day and night, and I found myself worrying about him – wondering what he’s up to and wishing him well on a day-to-day basis.

In front of him, I let my walls down, and I just let myself be vulnerable. I don’t have to pretend that I am a strong woman. When I’m with him, I just become the shy, sensitive, delicate Aimee that very rare people knew of. For once, I didn’t have to keep putting that smiling face and just be me.  I didn’t have to say something and he knew my mood is off. I’d say I was okay but he still knew because my face always betrayed me. Truth is I never liked having fights with him. I wasn’t good at it. I never liked hurting him with my honesty and I never wanted to say something that would make him hate me. But you know the inevitable always happens.

We broke up eventually and now we’re living our lives separately.  I admit that I was deeply saddened by our separation. It stirred up my life and when it happened, all I could think of was my pain. I thought it was just me hurting as he was the one who first let go. But I wasn’t able to recognize that maybe the breakup hurt him too. Now that I can see things in a wider perspective, I realized, it was probably hard for him also – to break his promises, to hurt me that way, or to even say I was better off with someone else. After all, he loved me too.

I never hated him for breaking up with me. He just made his choice. But it was too painful. I did get mad at him few months later but due to some other reasons I cannot disclose here. Nevertheless, the anger eventually dissipated.  I went on with my life with so much bitterness.  And it was missing him that made it so difficult.

In reality, moving on from your first love is easier said than done. I have heard friends say to me that it’s the most difficult one. But once I get over it, the next heartbreak is easier to handle. It’s not like I would want to go through that again. But maybe it’s true. Maybe that’s why it’s so easy for him to get past our breakup because I wasn’t his first love. While I was nursing my broken heart, kept thinking of him, he was just probably doing the usual things and just fine and never even gave me that much thought.

I’ve always believed that everything happened for a reason.  Going through that kind of pain was not a wasted experience. Maybe this has been the Lord’s way to toughen me up because I was so weak. There were so many tears involved. But at some point I realized I wasn’t helping myself. I was depressed most of the time. And I no longer liked the person I was becoming. So I told myself it has to stop. I had to stop berating myself. I had to stop feeling down. I kept praying and hoping that life will get better. But I wont deny that I do slip-up sometimes. I would allow myself to send him messages. Little by little, I got used to the way he would communicate with me until it did not bother me anymore that he would just stop replying.

I am very thankful one way or another because through this ordeal, I was lucky to meet new people that have helped me overcome the pain. I believed they were sent to me by God because they’ve been a good source of strength and inspiration. They have encouraged me that I can do it –that I can be on the other shore. To Matt, for being a distraction then, thank you. To Chris, who is now a very good friend, I appreciate your effort for always sending me good vibes. To Ate Joanna, for sharing your bittersweet love story to me, I have felt so inspired. And to Irvin, for shedding some light why most men act the way they do, your explanations never go unnoticed.

There is no point in feeling sorry for myself or regretful for the lost chances anymore because both of us have gained valuable lessons through this experience. I am learning to let go and let God do the works. Falling in love with him was never a mistake.  In the end, whatever was meant to happen, happened. Maybe it was really meant for me to meet him, be with him, and to part ways with him. One thing for sure though, he will always be my first love and that title will be his forever. He was my king and I his queen, but our reign in each other’s hearts now ceased to exist. What is left are just fragments of memories that would remind us that once upon a time we ruled over each other’s feelings.

Maybe one day we will bump into each other again. I just hope that when that time comes, we are both in a very good place already. I have become the chef I have dreamed of and him successful in his chosen field of career.  Our love story may have ended already, but it doesn’t mean that I have stopped caring for him. At night, I’d still include him in my prayers, and from a distance, I do hope for all good things to come his way. I guess when you truly loved someone; the feelings just don’t go away so easily. You learn to live with it. You put up with the pain until one day it doesn’t hurt as much anymore.

Slowly, I have managed to return to my old habits. This time I am back to watching a lot of series, reading novels, blogging, and leaving my phone behind. I am also back to strolling on my own and staying at home feeling satisfied. There are still bouts of loneliness every now and then but I try to overcome it whenever it’s too much. Also, I am starting to embrace the status of being single without having to envy those in relationships as much anymore.  I have readjusted my focus too and concentrate all my energy on my work. This year, I am making the conscious effort to let him be because I realized holding on to him will not change a thing. It’s time that I really learn to love myself more and work on my career.

It’s been more than a year since we broke up. I have been asked a lot why I don’t have any boyfriend right now. Truth is, I am in no rush to be in another relationship. Yes, there were few men who have shown their interest in me and asked me out but I am taking my time. I will keep waiting until the man who will make my heart flutter again comes into the picture and sweep me off my feet. For sure, I will know if he’s the one because my heart will tell me to and that feeling of magic will appear once more.

The Last Unsent Letter

Today I woke up again around the same time I would wake up since I got back here in the Philippines. The first few days I would text you and we would keep talking. But today it’s different. I woke up and then tears start streaming down my face. It started to sink in again that there’s no you anymore.

There are no words to describe the pain of a first heartbreak. The day you chose to let me go was the most painful memory of you. And yet even if that’s the case, I know that our love story was perfect. It started so beautifully. I even felt I was in cloud nine.

I wasn’t really looking for anyone then. I was happy and fine on my own. But every now and then I would pray to the Lord that if He will give me a man, I hope he is someone who will love me for who I am and that will be loved by my family. Then, you came in the picture. I was super guarded. I even built walls around me because I was afraid to get hurt. I knew I was going home and that made me more scared. But I kept praying that if you’re really the one for me, you will be persistent in pursuing me. And you were. You kept asking me out. At first, I would even turn you down. But talking to you, I realized you were a nice a guy so I gave you a shot.  I’ve been honest with you right from the start. I never had a boyfriend, nor had the experience going out on dates. You said you were thankful of my honesty. I was surprised; I thought that would turn you off.  I was awkward during our first date and in my mind, I believed that was the last time I’d see you. But you asked me out again and I agreed because you were nice like you said you were.

All our dates were perfect and ideal. We would go see watch the stars, we would drive up the mountain and look over the city. You would take me to concert and trips. Every day that would go by, I would find myself helplessly falling in love with you. You were the perfect guy babe. And yet I knew that you were too good to be true and I told you that. There were no flowers and chocolates but the time and effort you would shower me were enough for me to be head over heels for you. You opening the car door for me, writing me letters, bringing my things, accompanying me, visiting me everyday were qualities I love the most from you. I knew that you have been brought up well.

One night I told you that I don’t want to love you any more than what I was feeling at that time because I don’t want you to consume me. Your reply to me was you wanted all my love. And I gave it to you. I may not be very showy in front of other people but I tried to make you feel it in ways I know of. I was very very happy that we were getting along so well. Every day I would wake up and you would greet me and make me smile. I would always tell you that you make my day brighter and you never fail at it. I thought it wouldn’t end. I thought the happiness wouldn’t die.

September came, and that was the month I feared the most. There’s this unsettling feeling because I know I had to leave you eventually. But we agreed to keep loving each other. We agreed that we will make it through the distance— that the best is yet to come; that this will only be temporary; that we shall be fine. I believed everything you said. You promised me so many things. I was holding on to your words. You kept saying you love me and how much you miss me but what happened to waiting?

You said you are not an impatient guy—that you are not like the rest of them but why did you give up so fast? It’s just barely a month since we last saw each other and you’re giving up already? On our first date I told you clearly that I was just leaving. My visa only permits me to stay for a year. And yet even when you know this, you still wanted to keep going out with me. You told me: “how can distance stop someone from liking or loving someone?” I thought you will be true to your words. But look at us now.

You told me that as long as I want to be your queen, you’ll always be my king. Where is my king now? I lost you because you chose to let me go. We were supposed to go see more of the world. We were supposed to travel together when I come back. It was our relationship goal. New York first, right? I even asked the Lord that I be able to come visit again with you when I was in St. Patrick’s Cathedral. Now everything is just a dream that once we both hoped for.

Why did you break my heart when I told you before that I am so afraid that if I give you the chance you will hurt me? Am I not worth it? Because if I am, distance won’t matter to you. Maybe you just don’t love me enough because you’re already thinking that we will lose the connection when it hasn’t even happened yet. How can you say that you will love me for as long as you live if you are letting me go like this. You told me you still love me but it’s better to end it now while it’s still early because it will be more painful in the future. But you’re wrong. Now is the most painful time to do it because we are still so in love. Or is it just me only? The hurt that I’m feeling, the pain that you have given me right now only show how little you value the relationship we used to have.

There were so many promises left unfulfilled my love. I have begged you and asked you to give our love a chance. But you wouldn’t want to. You don’t want to stay with me. And it hurts like hell to know that. How can you bring me so much joy before and now be the reason of this pain I’m feeling? And yet, there’s no anger. I am not mad at you. I just hope I am so the moving on will be faster but I am not.

I used to have so much hope babe for our love to conquer this bump in the road, for it to flourish, for it to withstand the test of time. I did not give up on us, it was you who did. I have loved and lost a great guy. I have cried buckets of tears. I lost you but you lost me too. I hope the time will come that you will think of me and realize you were damn stupid and so wrong to let me go.