Strut your Stuff!

Dancing with the feet is one thing, but dancing with the heart is another.  -Anonymous                                                                                                                                                                            

For so many years in the past, I’ve danced as I was instructed to. But now, I’ve forgotten how it felt like strutting your stuff.

Attending my brother’s school affair was a good decision. I thought I wouldn’t enjoy but I did. I was even reminded that once, I have  adored strutting my stuff. I used to join a lot of programs and contests as a grade schooler. Only a few people from my high school and college years knew about that . And mind you, I even won some awards with the skill I used to display a lot. If you knew me way back, you’d find out that I was rather slender but not too thin– like the kind of thin young ones are so obsessed right now.  I eventually figured as I grew chubby that the reason I hardly gain weight before is because of the extracurricular activities I used to involve myself including dancing.

My relatives were really supportive of whatever event I would sign-up for. I think they were quite happy of my talent that they even made me, my cousin, and my sister form a group.  And yes, we did a lot of dancing– not only  at school programs but also at family affairs and some barangay fiestas. With this, I got used to all the practices and the learning of the steps.

However, everything changed when I went to high school.

All the confidence I’ve gained from dancing was lost. The adjustment I had to make consumed me. Adapting  to a whole new environment ate up all my confidence and self-esteem. I grew shy and unsure of my talents.  Looking back, I realized that I focused more on making friends than joining clubs to hone my potentials. I did attempt to join the dance club, but I was just too scared to audition. I really feared rejection and scrutiny. I was used to people saying I dance very well so I was quite afraid that they’d find my dancing a bit too ordinary.

On the contrary, there were times that I was able to muster some courage.  When intrams came, during my freshman year, I couldn’t resist myself from joining the pep squad. I still remember that few of my classmates tried out for the squad. They did it as a group while I auditioned as a soloist. They never invited me on their team so I had no choice but to go on my own. I was scared and paranoid of screwing up. I considered myself really lucky then because I made the cut and the succeeding ones. Unfortunately, most of my classmates weren’t picked. Only two of us from my section were privileged enough to get picked.  What’s even fascinating is that both of us auditioned solo. Somehow, I took pride on that.

Now, maybe you’re thinking that I also made it on the squad on my second, third, and fourth year. I’m sorry to made you think that way but I only made it twice. There was actually no pep squad during my second year so that doesn’t count, meaning out of three years left, I was able to join two competitions. One during my freshman year and the other during my junior year.

My pep squad stint as a junior was also a challenge. It was difficult to join the squad. Again, there were auditions and once again, I had to dance in front of a lot of people. As you know by now, I also managed to get in. Thank God for granting my request. I bet that was my lucky day. Well, if you want to know about what happened on my fourth year try out, then I’ll let you in on a secret: it’s because there were a lot better dancers in our section and since I haven’t danced for a long time, my moves kinda sucked. There, I said it. Lol.

All those years I’ve spent in high school, I only realized how I really missed dancing when I saw some of my classmates performing on stage. Yes, I also wanted to be excused from classes like most high school students wanted but truth is, I never really got to showcase what I have or even hone them.

Nothing really changed when I went to college. And sometimes, I regret that I never even gave myself a chance to try out and be a part of any performing org. I was just too scared and was too overpowered by my fear that’s why I hate myself for everything.

When I watched the opening celebration of my former school’s intramurals last month, I thought how foolish I was to let all those years pass without doing anything to the only talent that gives a boost to my ego and confidence. Even if I was only watching from the bleachers, all those memories of practicing came back to me. It was such a pity that I realized all my self confidence came from my dancing. And it was even more frustrating and disappointing  to know how I took my talent for granted all these years.

And now, no matter what I do, I can never go back to fix that. I can only remember and re-live all those happy memories when I still have it and I can still strut my stuff.

Cupcakes and Coffees

                   I can no longer recall how young I was when I first developed a certain fondness for food. All I know is that I like not just eating but also making the food. I was always eager to look for an opportunity to sneak in the kitchen and cook something delicious to satisfy my dire need. And if my memory serves me right, leche flan was the first recipe I attempted making in our kitchen. I was quite successful with it  though I’ve only copied the steps from how my aunt does it. And as time went on,  I did more sneaking as I tried to apply all the things I’ve learned from my T.H.E. classes ’till I got busted by my parents doing my stuff in the kitchen. And though I have been found out, this never made me stop. Instead, I’ve persisted with my cooking till they got used to it.  I realized then while I was growing up that stirring  and whisking were among  my favorite things to do. As of today , however, I no longer  make a leche flan but I do make  delicious carbonara, pizza, and brazo de mercedes.

When I was in high school, I had my hopes of going to a culinary school for college but  that spark of  hope never lit and died down. My parents cannot afford  the expensive  education thus the change of plans. I still held on to the idea though that maybe  someday when I already have my own money,  I’d still be  able to pursue  my desire. But I guess, that time is still so far in the  future but I will never  give up.

I know that money was the main problem before and even up to now. I guess,  life wouldn’t be that much harder if there were no monetary issues involved.

Truth is, I’ve always wanted to open a coffee shop of my own that would cater to  people with sweet tooth like mine. I’d like people who fancy sweets to also have a taste of my own baked pastries, cakes and tarts. For now, I can only wish that someday, when God gives me His blessing, I’d  be able to fulfill this one sweet craving.  What I am sure of in my life is that I wanna become a pâtissière too just like Kim Sam Soon. 😀

*****Credits to all the people who own the pictures above.******

Fresh Grad = Fresh Start?

I haven’t written anything for my blog since I started working. It’s been three months and it felt as if it’s been a year already. Time really does fly so fast and in those three months I’ve felt as if I already aged too much.

I now work for a social design enterprise based here in our province. On my first week of work, I’ve done errands which hurt my ego as a graduate of a premier state university. At the same time, I’ve been convincing myself that I must not be saddened nor feel ashamed of what I had been doing. I told myself that every penny I earned is the result of my hard work and the effort i exerted already caused me too much of my pride and self worth. Nonetheless, I was still able to keep a blind eye on all my relatives’ mockery and just kept looking forward.

First week ended  and the following weeks were hell for me. Still, I was the errand girl who they kept on sending some place to buy and deliver materials. I wasn’t prepared for that and I felt really exhausted. I was the messenger, the receptionist, the secretary, name it and I must have done all other related office tasks. I was always tired and for a nocturnal like me, it’s abnormal to sleep as early as 9. My everyday’s work exhausted my physical and emotional state. I kept forgetting so many things. I took every comment seriously and almost personal. I was already suffocated, frustrated, and disappointed with the office, with the work itself, and with the minimal salary. I felt overworked. I felt belittled. I felt misplaced.

It came to a point where I asked myself, “Is this really meant for me?” “Why am I here?” “Do I really deserve this?”  and these thoughts never ceased coming but I never stopped convincing myself that maybe it is God’s plan, that maybe He has everything arranged for me, that maybe I just have to be patient. Little by little, I was able to recuperate from my troubled and stressed out self and adjust in my new environment. And soon enough, I also found my work load becoming lighter—I no longer run errands as much or as frequent as before. And now, I already sit behind a desk and  almost always busy with paper works and related admin tasks.

I am learning to like and love my job. I have waited for so long to land a job and now that it has come, I hope not to be disappointed. It is not like the one I have planned or dreamed of but it’s good enough for someone who just came out fresh from college.