A Story of Love, Heartbreak and of Finding Yourself Again
Magic. I think there’s no other better way to describe love. It has this ability to draw an individual to another so effortlessly. It keeps you awake in the night and puts a smile on your face. Oh well, at least that is how I see it now. I used to think differently when I was just watching from the sidelines. But experience does change a person’s beliefs. Falling in love totally changed my preconceived notions and it did leave a lasting memory.
My first love took me by surprise. It was the kind of love I thought I was prepared for but I was wrong. No one can predict the outcome, or when it’ll come to you, or how it will unfold. It will just happen and catch you off guard. I’ve waited patiently for the right person to come along. I felt the magic – the sparks flying. I knew my heart fluttered with every sight of him and needless to say, I was swept off my feet.
It wasn’t love at first sight. I couldn’t even remember the first movie we’ve watched together. But somehow, he had that charisma that made me want to see him again and remember his face. When he finally asked me to be his girlfriend, I did tell him honestly of how I felt. I was confused, unsure if it’s just attraction, bordering Infatuation or love already. Eventually, I’ve sorted out my feelings. I’ve realized I must really love him because he occupied so much space in my head – day and night, and I found myself worrying about him – wondering what he’s up to and wishing him well on a day-to-day basis.
In front of him, I let my walls down, and I just let myself be vulnerable. I don’t have to pretend that I am a strong woman. When I’m with him, I just become the shy, sensitive, delicate Aimee that very rare people knew of. For once, I didn’t have to keep putting that smiling face and just be me. I didn’t have to say something and he knew my mood is off. I’d say I was okay but he still knew because my face always betrayed me. Truth is I never liked having fights with him. I wasn’t good at it. I never liked hurting him with my honesty and I never wanted to say something that would make him hate me. But you know the inevitable always happens.
We broke up eventually and now we’re living our lives separately. I admit that I was deeply saddened by our separation. It stirred up my life and when it happened, all I could think of was my pain. I thought it was just me hurting as he was the one who first let go. But I wasn’t able to recognize that maybe the breakup hurt him too. Now that I can see things in a wider perspective, I realized, it was probably hard for him also – to break his promises, to hurt me that way, or to even say I was better off with someone else. After all, he loved me too.
I never hated him for breaking up with me. He just made his choice. But it was too painful. I did get mad at him few months later but due to some other reasons I cannot disclose here. Nevertheless, the anger eventually dissipated. I went on with my life with so much bitterness. And it was missing him that made it so difficult.
In reality, moving on from your first love is easier said than done. I have heard friends say to me that it’s the most difficult one. But once I get over it, the next heartbreak is easier to handle. It’s not like I would want to go through that again. But maybe it’s true. Maybe that’s why it’s so easy for him to get past our breakup because I wasn’t his first love. While I was nursing my broken heart, kept thinking of him, he was just probably doing the usual things and just fine and never even gave me that much thought.
I’ve always believed that everything happened for a reason. Going through that kind of pain was not a wasted experience. Maybe this has been the Lord’s way to toughen me up because I was so weak. There were so many tears involved. But at some point I realized I wasn’t helping myself. I was depressed most of the time. And I no longer liked the person I was becoming. So I told myself it has to stop. I had to stop berating myself. I had to stop feeling down. I kept praying and hoping that life will get better. But I wont deny that I do slip-up sometimes. I would allow myself to send him messages. Little by little, I got used to the way he would communicate with me until it did not bother me anymore that he would just stop replying.
I am very thankful one way or another because through this ordeal, I was lucky to meet new people that have helped me overcome the pain. I believed they were sent to me by God because they’ve been a good source of strength and inspiration. They have encouraged me that I can do it –that I can be on the other shore. To Matt, for being a distraction then, thank you. To Chris, who is now a very good friend, I appreciate your effort for always sending me good vibes. To Ate Joanna, for sharing your bittersweet love story to me, I have felt so inspired. And to Irvin, for shedding some light why most men act the way they do, your explanations never go unnoticed.
There is no point in feeling sorry for myself or regretful for the lost chances anymore because both of us have gained valuable lessons through this experience. I am learning to let go and let God do the works. Falling in love with him was never a mistake. In the end, whatever was meant to happen, happened. Maybe it was really meant for me to meet him, be with him, and to part ways with him. One thing for sure though, he will always be my first love and that title will be his forever. He was my king and I his queen, but our reign in each other’s hearts now ceased to exist. What is left are just fragments of memories that would remind us that once upon a time we ruled over each other’s feelings.
Maybe one day we will bump into each other again. I just hope that when that time comes, we are both in a very good place already. I have become the chef I have dreamed of and him successful in his chosen field of career. Our love story may have ended already, but it doesn’t mean that I have stopped caring for him. At night, I’d still include him in my prayers, and from a distance, I do hope for all good things to come his way. I guess when you truly loved someone; the feelings just don’t go away so easily. You learn to live with it. You put up with the pain until one day it doesn’t hurt as much anymore.
Slowly, I have managed to return to my old habits. This time I am back to watching a lot of series, reading novels, blogging, and leaving my phone behind. I am also back to strolling on my own and staying at home feeling satisfied. There are still bouts of loneliness every now and then but I try to overcome it whenever it’s too much. Also, I am starting to embrace the status of being single without having to envy those in relationships as much anymore. I have readjusted my focus too and concentrate all my energy on my work. This year, I am making the conscious effort to let him be because I realized holding on to him will not change a thing. It’s time that I really learn to love myself more and work on my career.
It’s been more than a year since we broke up. I have been asked a lot why I don’t have any boyfriend right now. Truth is, I am in no rush to be in another relationship. Yes, there were few men who have shown their interest in me and asked me out but I am taking my time. I will keep waiting until the man who will make my heart flutter again comes into the picture and sweep me off my feet. For sure, I will know if he’s the one because my heart will tell me to and that feeling of magic will appear once more.