Para! (reblogged)

From my sister’s blog akoaymagigingmasaya.blogspot.com 

As if I were just boarding an ordinary jeepney, I earnestly knocked on the train’s wall – – – P-A-R-A!

So, this is it. This is what I have been waiting and looking for the entire time: PEACE. In every sense of the word, I have survived the long tunnel ride. It was not easy. It drained all energy and optimism I have. But I have always known back then that everything was just a bump on the road. Because I have chosen the one less traveled.

Now, I see daffodils and the green meadows. I feel the wind brushing through my face. I hear birds chirping. I can taste the sweetness of this very moment. I told myself – I am ready. I’m off the train. I’m off the tunnel ride.

Hello, sunshine!

Hello life!

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Magic & Mishaps

A Story of Love, Heartbreak and of Finding Yourself Again

Magic. I think there’s no other better way to describe love. It has this ability to draw an individual to another so effortlessly. It keeps you awake in the night and puts a smile on your face. Oh well, at least that is how I see it now. I used to think differently when I was just watching from the sidelines.  But experience does change a person’s beliefs. Falling in love totally changed my preconceived notions and it did leave a lasting memory.

My first love took me by surprise.  It was the kind of love I thought I was prepared for but I was wrong. No one can predict the outcome, or when it’ll come to you, or how it will unfold. It will just happen and catch you off guard. I’ve waited patiently for the right person to come along. I felt the magic – the sparks flying. I knew my heart fluttered with every sight of him and needless to say, I was swept off my feet.

It wasn’t love at first sight. I couldn’t even remember the first movie we’ve watched together. But somehow, he had that charisma that made me want to see him again and remember his face. When he finally asked me to be his girlfriend, I did tell him honestly of how I felt. I was confused, unsure if it’s just attraction, bordering Infatuation or love already. Eventually, I’ve sorted out my feelings. I’ve realized I must really love him because he occupied so much space in my head – day and night, and I found myself worrying about him – wondering what he’s up to and wishing him well on a day-to-day basis.

In front of him, I let my walls down, and I just let myself be vulnerable. I don’t have to pretend that I am a strong woman. When I’m with him, I just become the shy, sensitive, delicate Aimee that very rare people knew of. For once, I didn’t have to keep putting that smiling face and just be me.  I didn’t have to say something and he knew my mood is off. I’d say I was okay but he still knew because my face always betrayed me. Truth is I never liked having fights with him. I wasn’t good at it. I never liked hurting him with my honesty and I never wanted to say something that would make him hate me. But you know the inevitable always happens.

We broke up eventually and now we’re living our lives separately.  I admit that I was deeply saddened by our separation. It stirred up my life and when it happened, all I could think of was my pain. I thought it was just me hurting as he was the one who first let go. But I wasn’t able to recognize that maybe the breakup hurt him too. Now that I can see things in a wider perspective, I realized, it was probably hard for him also – to break his promises, to hurt me that way, or to even say I was better off with someone else. After all, he loved me too.

I never hated him for breaking up with me. He just made his choice. But it was too painful. I did get mad at him few months later but due to some other reasons I cannot disclose here. Nevertheless, the anger eventually dissipated.  I went on with my life with so much bitterness.  And it was missing him that made it so difficult.

In reality, moving on from your first love is easier said than done. I have heard friends say to me that it’s the most difficult one. But once I get over it, the next heartbreak is easier to handle. It’s not like I would want to go through that again. But maybe it’s true. Maybe that’s why it’s so easy for him to get past our breakup because I wasn’t his first love. While I was nursing my broken heart, kept thinking of him, he was just probably doing the usual things and just fine and never even gave me that much thought.

I’ve always believed that everything happened for a reason.  Going through that kind of pain was not a wasted experience. Maybe this has been the Lord’s way to toughen me up because I was so weak. There were so many tears involved. But at some point I realized I wasn’t helping myself. I was depressed most of the time. And I no longer liked the person I was becoming. So I told myself it has to stop. I had to stop berating myself. I had to stop feeling down. I kept praying and hoping that life will get better. But I wont deny that I do slip-up sometimes. I would allow myself to send him messages. Little by little, I got used to the way he would communicate with me until it did not bother me anymore that he would just stop replying.

I am very thankful one way or another because through this ordeal, I was lucky to meet new people that have helped me overcome the pain. I believed they were sent to me by God because they’ve been a good source of strength and inspiration. They have encouraged me that I can do it –that I can be on the other shore. To Matt, for being a distraction then, thank you. To Chris, who is now a very good friend, I appreciate your effort for always sending me good vibes. To Ate Joanna, for sharing your bittersweet love story to me, I have felt so inspired. And to Irvin, for shedding some light why most men act the way they do, your explanations never go unnoticed.

There is no point in feeling sorry for myself or regretful for the lost chances anymore because both of us have gained valuable lessons through this experience. I am learning to let go and let God do the works. Falling in love with him was never a mistake.  In the end, whatever was meant to happen, happened. Maybe it was really meant for me to meet him, be with him, and to part ways with him. One thing for sure though, he will always be my first love and that title will be his forever. He was my king and I his queen, but our reign in each other’s hearts now ceased to exist. What is left are just fragments of memories that would remind us that once upon a time we ruled over each other’s feelings.

Maybe one day we will bump into each other again. I just hope that when that time comes, we are both in a very good place already. I have become the chef I have dreamed of and him successful in his chosen field of career.  Our love story may have ended already, but it doesn’t mean that I have stopped caring for him. At night, I’d still include him in my prayers, and from a distance, I do hope for all good things to come his way. I guess when you truly loved someone; the feelings just don’t go away so easily. You learn to live with it. You put up with the pain until one day it doesn’t hurt as much anymore.

Slowly, I have managed to return to my old habits. This time I am back to watching a lot of series, reading novels, blogging, and leaving my phone behind. I am also back to strolling on my own and staying at home feeling satisfied. There are still bouts of loneliness every now and then but I try to overcome it whenever it’s too much. Also, I am starting to embrace the status of being single without having to envy those in relationships as much anymore.  I have readjusted my focus too and concentrate all my energy on my work. This year, I am making the conscious effort to let him be because I realized holding on to him will not change a thing. It’s time that I really learn to love myself more and work on my career.

It’s been more than a year since we broke up. I have been asked a lot why I don’t have any boyfriend right now. Truth is, I am in no rush to be in another relationship. Yes, there were few men who have shown their interest in me and asked me out but I am taking my time. I will keep waiting until the man who will make my heart flutter again comes into the picture and sweep me off my feet. For sure, I will know if he’s the one because my heart will tell me to and that feeling of magic will appear once more.

Going Grand (Canyon)

One of the happiest feelings in the world is to breathe and just wallow in God’s creations. It invokes a peaceful feeling that allows you to fully appreciate and marvel in the beauty of what’s in front of you. Many times in the past, I have experienced this overwhelming emotion that rendered me completely in awe of the nature. A perfect example was my stint in the Loboc River. It was short and yet so sweet. And every time I recall the cruise, it brings about the same feeling I had while I was sitting there on the boat too grateful.I could not think of anything else as I let the wind brush against my face except dolce vita. It was very magical and a wonderful experience. It’s the kind of feeling that’s devoid of stress, of any drama just pure joy. Two years later, that sort of feeling resurfaced once more as I witnessed the beauty of the Grand Canyon.

2014 was the year that allowed me to travel and go to a lot of places that I used to only dream of seeing. I remember when I was 21, I’ve only thought of maybe one day traveling and stepping foot on the US soil. Maybe, the universe heard of it that somehow an opportunity presented its way to me and not only did I get to go for a vacation but I even had the chance to live and work there. Truth be told, even though I secretly wished for it to happen, I never thought that it would happen so soon.

When I arrived in the US then, I had my wishlist of where I wanted to go. They were mostly cliche tourist destinations but who cares, right?haha! All I wanted then was simply to explore. On top of my list was New York and then LA and Vegas. I must really be very lucky at that time because all the places I’ve wished to see, I was able to really see. Of course, on that list, the Grand canyon was included since I was already living in Arizona. And the very lucky me had finally the chance to go see it three months into my internship.

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The Grand Canyon

Around December of the same year, two of my roommates and I had all the same day off. Out of nowhere, we planned to go for a road trip. We decided it would be nice to see the Grand Canyon and to stop by Sedona along the way. To make it all possible though, we decided to rent a car to avoid any road mishap.  Jean, another friend of ours, came up with this idea and since my roommates were scared to drive on the freeway, Jean and I were the designated drivers. Jenlee, another close friend, also tagged along on a last minute notice. The plan was that I’d drive from Tucson to Phoenix and then Jean, from Phoenix to Sedona and then my turn again but somehow it ended up the other way around.HAHA! Talk about spontaneity.

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Quick stop on our way to Red Rock State Park

We left Tucson at 4:30 am so we’d be able to reach Grand Canyon around 9 am. But with all the restroom breaks along the way and the quick stop to get some drinks, the drive was stretched to until 11 am. When we arrived, we found out that it snowed the day before thus, most areas were still covered by snow. And may I just say that it was very very cold. I was too relieved that  the smart me brought the thermal jacket and wore two layers of clothes under.I thought with the elevation and the winter season, it will definitely make the state park very very cold. And who would want want to freeze to death?!  Not me.HAHA

Kidding aside, Grand Canyon turned out to be just as I expected. It looked like a live painting. It was picturesque and for which there’s no doubt of how breathtaking it was. I loved that I could stare at it and just be left captivated. The feeling actually can never be compared to anything. To witness and see it in person was sheer bliss. Back then, I thought, how nice it would have been if my sisters and brothers can see it too. As I stood there in awe of everything I was seeing, I could feel that life was really good. I could feel how lucky I was for what I have and what was given to me. I remember the feeling just too well. I still know of how overwhelmed and happy I was.

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Two years later, here I am still able to remember the feeling of happiness it brought upon me. The Lord has been very good to me during those times. I must say I was very very lucky. They say that when it rains, it really pours. I was very blessed indeed at that time and I couldn’t have asked for more. And you know, it was sort of weird because the more I felt blessed, the more blessings appeared. I can never put into words how good God was to me. And I was just really really beyond thankful.

I know two years have passed, but with all the things that have happened to me, I lost all the drive to write about the wonderful things. I was blinded and sidetracked. It’s only now that the drive to finish this entry emerged but what the heck, better late than never, right? HAHA

Thank you universe for allowing events to happen the way they did. I was given the wonderful opportunity to breathe and wallow in the beauty of nature. Thank you Lord for the endless opportunities that you have showered me to explore the world. Only You can do it that way. Only You can invoke such wonderful feeling of happiness.